Lies of Motherhood - 'We Have To Control It All'

When I found out I was pregnant with our first child, it was a true miracle and complete surprise. Immediately the flood of information about what a mother should and should not do, eat, drink, etc., began to flow in my direction. Questions and what-ifs began to mount. What if I didn’t nurse? What if I couldn’t get the baby to sleep? Would we use a pacifier or not, cloth diapers or disposable? The questions were endless with so many choices. Overwhelmed with all the options, I grasped for control. My mind began to race, my thoughts bouncing from decision to outcome.

When Noah was a toddler, his favorite saying was, “My do it.” Determined and fiercely independent from the beginning, he believed he could do it all - from car seat buckling to getting dressed and all the impossible things I knew he could not physically do. Yet, he was insistent in the attempts. I would watch as frustration grew. So I would stand behind him, ready to catch him should he fall, assist him when he was depleted, and encourage him when he began to deteriorate with despair. Unfortunately, most moments ended with some meltdown because he lacked the fullness of understanding to do what he was attempting.

I never left him, but my ability to help him depended on his willingness to receive the help, relinquish his control of the circumstances, and allow my input.

As I was watching him struggle one morning, God began to draw parallels to my journey in motherhood. You believe, Bethany, that you have to accomplish these things to show your value. So you pursue a presentation of your motherhood rather than a pursuit of Me in your motherhood. You have bought the lie that your control of all that occurs with your children must rest on your abilities, your knowledge, and your actions. So when you struggle, when you don’t know the next step, when things seem messed up, your value and identity are assaulted.

Instead, come to me, for you are laboring and overwhelmed with all the moving parts of motherhood, and I will give you rest, Bethany. (Matthew 11:28-30) This passage in Matthew became a lifeline in my battle against the lie of control.

The labor of motherhood ~ all the actual work, all the engagements with my child, all the training, disciplining, all the choices I needed to make, all the ways every day I had to “be” a mother ~ all this toil, He invited me to bring to Him.

The overwhelm or heavy ladenness of parenting is the emotional pressure we experience. The fear that comes late at night that maybe I’m not doing any of this right, the sorrow of broken relationships from the day, the worry and doubts, all the areas that nervously whisper regret become a heavy burden in our minds and hearts. He welcomed all the emotional wreckage that simmered beneath the surface, threatening to boil over in outbursts.

When we begin to reject the mandate that we have to have all the correct answers or know the next step, we can turn to the Teacher who holds the answer key. Control is an insidious lie, because it declares that we can and should handle things ourselves. But the root of this lie anchors to the question of the enemy in the garden. Do you really need God? Most of us would wholeheartedly agree with the concept that in our motherhood we need God’s help, yet we act in our daily moments of motherhood as if we don’t. We function as if we need to have the answers, we need to know the next right thing but we fail to turn to Him for these answers. He knows our children intimately. He knows what will be best for them in every stage of life, with every decision you and I feel we face. So when to potty train became less about when all my friends were potty training their little ones and more about when God and I saw the maturity in my child that readied them to potty train. I can confidently make school choices for each child because I know God is fully engaged in leading me in wisdom, and He cares about how my child schools.

He searches our hearts as well as our children’s hearts. When we seek him first, when we come to exchange the yoke of control we often carry for His plan, His way, we begin to experience victory. The invitation for rest offers us a deep relationship with Sovereign God. As we acknowledge His control and allow His hand to lead, rest floods our anxious minds and quiets the overwhelm of our burdened soul.